


Make me understand

by LionsHeart



Category: Hollyoaks
Genre: A lot fo angst, Agrument, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, They are both idiots but we still love them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-20
Updated: 2018-09-20
Packaged: 2019-07-14 18:14:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16045898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LionsHeart/pseuds/LionsHeart
Summary: James screwed up royaly and now Harry and him are having a massive agrument about, including all the family stuff, all the "I Love You" stuff and all the typical Jarry angst.





	Make me understand

**Author's Note:**

> I need an outlet for my feelings after seeing the preview so here we go. I feel like deep down Harry has a lot of things to say so I tried to put some of them in here. Let's hope they. I love these two and I know you do too.  
> I apologize for all spelling mistakes or other errors.

This truly wasn’t his finest hour.

James was lying on his couch staring at the ceiling. He rubbed his hand against his temple, hoping that the headache would finally disappear. All the anger and the pain that had been building up inside of him for the past day was rushing through his body, almost making him shake. 

Why had he been so naive? Why had he been so stupid to end up in this position again? It had cost him so much strength just to get those words out and even though he didn’t expect to hear them back, what he had gotten back was a million times worse. He just wanted it all to stop. All these years he had loved this man, believing that at one point they would finally make it. That they would finally become something more.  
He had never felt so degraded and humiliated in his entire life. Not even when John Paul had cheated on him. Maybe because no matter how much he thought that he loved John Paul, he had never loved him the way he loved Harry. He had never loved a single soul as much as he loved Harry.  
Harry Thompson, who had sneaked his way into James’ mind and heart without even trying. 

_We can just share stuff._

Well he did. He shared the pain of his abuser coming back into his life, caging him in his darkest memories all over again. He shared that he had always loved him, no matter what. He shared what made him the most vulnerable. What did he get in return? He got his heartbroken by the silence and had his heart ripped out of his chest by seeing Harry with his happy little family. 

_We are in a relationship._

Those words were taunting him ever since Harry left his apartment last night after making up a quick excuse about why he really needed to go without responding to James confession. They were never in a relationship. There is no word to describe what the hell the were. Everything was just a big mess. All James was to Harry was a dirty little secret, a place to escape when the rest of the life was boring him.

_All I feel for you right now is contempt._

James closed his eyes, as if it would make the words disappear from his memory. Isn’t that what he wanted to achieve by dropping this bomb shell on Harry’s family? For him to be in as much pain as he was and for him to hate James the way James hated him for ignoring him? He told himself that it would be so much easier for him to get over Harry if he had his revenge just like it was with John Paul. He didn’t actually believe what he said to Marnie, that Harry was an immature and childish brat. When he looked into those stunningly blue eyes he was able to forgot all the reasons why he would always break his heart. All he ever wanted was to hear that this wasn’t pointless. James begged and pleaded for just an acknowledgement of his love confession, even being told that Harry didn’t feel the same way would have been less of a let down that the deafening silence.

Suddenly he heard a key turn in the lock of his front door. He kept his eyes closed, expecting his mother and he wasn’t ready or willing to discuss any of this with her. He heard the door slam shut and the person walking over to his kitchen table. They pulled one of the chairs over the floor and sat down. For a few moments James told himself that if he just didn’t move and kept quiet, that he would leave. Of course Harry didn’t leave.  
Reluctantly James opened his eyes, sat up and slowly turned around to see Harry sitting at the table with his arms crossed and the most angry expression James had ever seen on him. 

“If you want to give me back my key than just leave it right there and get out.” James said, trying to sound like none of this was remotely interesting to him. He had already emotionally exposed himself way too much for this idiot. Harry didn’t respond. He just sat there staring at James.  
“What do you want?” James hissed a little louder. Harry raised his eyebrows but kept quiet.  
“If you don’t open your mouth and spit out whatever it is you came here to say, than I will call the police and have you removed. Got it?” More silence. Fine. James leaned forward and snachted his phone from the coffee table.  
“I want you to fix this.” He heard before he could so much as unlock his phone.  
“Oh look at that. It speaks.” James laughed. It was a cold and fake laugh. “And how do you suppose I go about doing that? Did you bring your time machine with you and some fairy dust that will make the last 24 hours just disappear?”  
“I don’t care how you do it!” Harry gave back. His voice was shaking from anger. “You messed everything up James! All of it!”  
“Messed up your perfect little family reunion with the father who has always abandoned you at the smallest inconvenience? Yeah so sorry about that!” James knew that Harry was right but he would go down without fighting back. Not again.

“We were on a way to finally get everything back on track again until you came along!” Harry yelled. He got up. “Dee Dee is dying James! Imagine if it was Ellie lying there. What would you do? Would you waste the last moments you probably have with her by sneaking around with some guy?”  
“It’s not about that!” James yelled back. “I don’t want to destroy your family and believe it or not I don’t want to hurt this little girl. All I wanted was...”  
“All you wanted was for me to put you first over everything else that is happening in my life!” Harry interrupted. “Because you are so needy and selfish that my problems don’t matter to you as long as I keep your bed warm.”  
“How fucking dare you?” James couldn’t sit down any longer. He got up and walked around the couch so he ended up towering over Harry. “All I ever did was care about your stupid problems! Never once did I ask for anything in return. I am a lot of things but I have never been selfish with you. I always gave everything just to get the smallest amount of acknowledgment back from you!”  
“Then how would you call that stunt you pulled? You did that just because I hurt your feelings.” Harry said. He didn’t back away when James came so close.  
“All I wanted was for you to is give me an answer.” James tried to calm down a bit. A screamfest wouldn’t get them anywhere.  
“But I didn’t have one.” Harry took a few steps back and let his angry graze drop from James’ face.  
“If you don’t feel anything for me than at least have the dignity and respect for me to tell me. So that maybe I could stop running after you.” James couldn’t stop his voice from shaking when he said those last words. “I can accept to lose Harry and I can get over unreciprocated love believe me, I’ve had a lot practice.”  
“I wish I could just say that.” Harry whispered and looked up.  
“What is that supposed to mean?”  
“You just don’t get James. You don’t get how confusing this all is for me!”  
“Then just tell me! Make me understand!” 

“I’m not supposed to feel this way about you!” Harry shouted like he just couldn’t hold the words back a second longer. “I should hate you for what you just did and I want to but I can’t! I want to stop thinking about you and I want to stop needing you but I can’t! You’re always there in my head all the time when I’m supposed to be thinking about my family or my future with Ste. It’s messing me up so much that when I wake up and I’m not sleeping next to you I’m disappointed. I shouldn’t feel this! I should be happy with what I have and the idea of having a happy ever after and marriage but I’m not because all I can’t think is: What if? What if I just left it all behind? What if I just admitted to myself that it won’t make me happy the way I am always told it will!  
James I can’t say those three words to you because if I did than they would be real and I wouldn’t be able to run away from that anymore! Ste is the easy choice. He is the safe choice. You? You are so much risk. I’m so scared of that don’t you get that? I am terrified James!”

James didn’t know what to respond. He was in shock. Harry looked at him, obviously still angry but there was something else, a sense of hopelessness.  
“No. I didn’t get that.” He finally whispered.  
Harry let himself fall back on the chair as if all strength had just left his body. He closed his eyes and rubbed a hand over his eyes. Slowly James sat down on the chair opposite him.  
“What do you want me to say?” James said quietly.  
Harry rolled his eyes. “Nothing. I just want you to shut up.”  
“Okay.” James said and his gaze softened.  
After a little while he reached out to take Harry’s left hand in his own and was surprised when Harry didn’t pull away.

He never wanted to let go again. But he knew he had to.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading <3 Please leave your thoughts down below.


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